f#&% changes

It’s been eons since I’ve written. But to be fair, my life has been really busy. For starters, I moved. I still can’t believe it actually happened. But now, I officially live on the East Coast. Washington, D.C. to be exact. I think ever since I entered into my mid-twenties (and now arguably the beginning of my late twenties), I’ve lived practically every moment of my life in a state of incredulousness.

I can’t believe I live in D.C. I can’t believe I did online dating. I can’t believe I made out with strangers. I can’t believe I have a heart condition. I can’t believe I had heart surgery (will touch on this maybe in another post). Total disbelief.

As for love? It’s still as complicated as always. On paper, I am single, though Cryptoman is still in my life. The new-car-smell portion of the relationship has worn off and I’m no longer as impressed/blind as I was before. But, I still like him. Instead of spending days oogling after him – I just mostly wonder why I like him & why I let myself be stuck on him. Romantic, right?

As for my job – I still basically work the life of Office Space. The people are better, the commute is better, but my lust after a creative side hustle has only grown. Until that works itself out, I will continue to complain to you all. Sorry.

f#&% neediness

Remember my last post where I was all blissful because I was happy with Crypto$Man? Well being happy with someone causes you, well, I guess, technically, me, to be really needy. I just want too much of a good thing, ya know?

I am feeling so clingy that I’m needing to quickly pen together a blog post to continue distracting my fingers from sending him another text in fear of looking desperate and uncool. Obviously my job isn’t stimulating enough (as evidenced by why I started this entire blog in the first place – before the contents completely transformed into a mind dump of all my insecure, unstable, should-be-private thoughts).

Anyway, I did that crazy girl move where you pull up a calendar to see how many days it’s been since you last saw your crush? It’s been 4. He’s going to be gone for about 349085720 more. & then he’s going to come back and we are probably going to break up because our conversations are already dwindling.

I’m never going to survive.

Never going to survive, life, I mean.

f#&% falling

I had a post written about how I’m still with Crypto$man, and how it’s annoying that I haven’t broken up with him. But I never finished the post…and then of course, things started going really well with him.

I feel less dispensable to him. He seems to really be falling for me. & this is what I wanted all along, but now that I seem to have it – now what? This doesn’t change the fact that I am still leaving for Washington DC at the end of February. And it doesn’t change that on MLK day, Crypto$man will be flying off to London for four weeks. Still haven’t figured out if I’m dating a conman. Definitely feel conned.

Love is a Ponzi scheme.

f#&% dispensability

I need to end things with Crypto$Man.

When I’m with him, I feel so admired. And then the moment we part ways, I feel so incredibly dispensable to him. I’m not sure if this is actually a personal reflection of my self-worth or an accurate assessment of how he sees me/our relationship.

It’s strange to want someone you are not even sure you like to ADORE you. But, I feel this way with Crypto$Man. While I was initially captivated by his accolades and confident ambition, I am finding myself less and less intrigued by his braggy work stories. I used to re-tell these same narratives to my friends but found myself constantly needing to give a disclaimer along the lines of, “I swear this didn’t sound this pretentious when he told it.” While that may still be true (I am an admittedly an awful storyteller), I feel like the more accurate cause is that I was totally blind to his personality flaws. Even now thinking back – I can’t tell if he’s trying to impress me or simply clueless on how he sounds to others?

Regardless, the mixture of my doubt and my quest for self preservation in this unstable relationship is making me come to the conclusion that ending everything before anything can begin is the best solution. The question is when. When is a good time for break-ups?

f#&% doppelgängers

I’m going to go ahead and preface this post and say: I know I’m batshit crazy.

You don’t need to tell me that. I already know.

I’m not crazy like you’re going to come home to all your clothes and baseball glove in a box, on your front porch, on fire. I’m more along the crazy that I’m more observant and paranoid than you could ever imagine. Yup.

I n s a n e.

With that disclaimer out of the way, do you ever find things that you’re not suppose to see? It’s the strangest feeling. This happened the other day. I reached the ends of Google and found so much on Bitcoin Man. I couldn’t help myself. It started as something innocent like “Oh, let me just make sure this man isn’t wanted by the IRS,” but it soon blossomed into my own Watergate Operation. One thing lead to another and I wound up on his somewhat secret photo tumblr? It felt harmless, I mean, the blog was public. There were only a handful of photos. One of the Brooklyn public library, a photo taken out of an airplane window, a scenery photo, scenery photo, scenery…. and then….

a photo of a girl.

the only portrait amongst reels of landscape.

I think this would have stood out to anyone. It was the only photo clearly different from the rest. But to me, I knew instantly this was a photo of the girl.

The NYC f#&% buddy that I had told him I was not okay with while I am in the picture. Hah.

And here she was, before my own eyes. Captured. Looking down at what I assume must have been a menu. The two of them – clearly at a nice, overpriced New York dinner. He was probably captivated by the indie Kodak moment and snapped an artsy photo of her bony shoulder. The photo, black and white. Artsy. On film. He only shoots on film.

What’s weird about this entire discovery is that she eerily looks like me. And this is coming from a girl who never thinks other Asian girls look like her. (Yes, I’m that self absorbed). For whatever reason I didn’t expect her to be Asian. Bitcoin man sure has a type, I’ll give him that. But this completely freaked me out. Is he trying to make me her Portland puppet/back-up/understudy? Everyone does weird things when they’re lonely & I could see this maybe being his thing. If not purposefully, definitely unconsciously. Right?

He’s in New York now. It’s been a week since we last hung out. A week since he promised me he would not see her, so that he could continue to see me. Am I crazy to believe him? Is this what people are talking about when they say love is blind? Am I f#%king blind.

 

f#&% open relationships

All good things come to an end“. That’s what people say.

But you know what else comes to an end? Seemingly Good Exciting things that turn out to be actually Very Bad Things also come to an end. And when they do – sometimes you’re not quite sure how you feel about it. Do I want this good-bad thing to end, you say? What a crazy question to ask right? Of course I should want a bad thing to end. But at the same time – why do I want this bad thing to last just a little bit longer? Cue: Selena Gomez’s The Heart Wants What It Wants

So why am I such a ball of anxiety ridden emotion?

Few days ago, went over to Mr Bitcoin’s place (Bad Idea #1) and in between some conversations, found out that he has some sort of f#&%-buddy situation in NYC. Right. Makes total sense. Why would I expect any less from someone who has some private jet subscription and lounges in Members Only clubs? I feel super silly.

I don’t want to be this Portland side girl. Right? I think I have enough self respect to say that. Women shouldn’t be okay with sharing. Sharing is 100% not caring in this scenario. Bye, Bye, Bitcoin.

I wonder if he’ll want to be friends?