I’m going to go ahead and preface this post and say: I know I’m batshit crazy.
You don’t need to tell me that. I already know.
I’m not crazy like you’re going to come home to all your clothes and baseball glove in a box, on your front porch, on fire. I’m more along the crazy that I’m more observant and paranoid than you could ever imagine. Yup.
I n s a n e.
With that disclaimer out of the way, do you ever find things that you’re not suppose to see? It’s the strangest feeling. This happened the other day. I reached the ends of Google and found so much on Bitcoin Man. I couldn’t help myself. It started as something innocent like “Oh, let me just make sure this man isn’t wanted by the IRS,” but it soon blossomed into my own Watergate Operation. One thing lead to another and I wound up on his somewhat secret photo tumblr? It felt harmless, I mean, the blog was public. There were only a handful of photos. One of the Brooklyn public library, a photo taken out of an airplane window, a scenery photo, scenery photo, scenery…. and then….
a photo of a girl.
the only portrait amongst reels of landscape.
I think this would have stood out to anyone. It was the only photo clearly different from the rest. But to me, I knew instantly this was a photo of the girl.
The NYC f#&% buddy that I had told him I was not okay with while I am in the picture. Hah.
And here she was, before my own eyes. Captured. Looking down at what I assume must have been a menu. The two of them – clearly at a nice, overpriced New York dinner. He was probably captivated by the indie Kodak moment and snapped an artsy photo of her bony shoulder. The photo, black and white. Artsy. On film. He only shoots on film.
What’s weird about this entire discovery is that she eerily looks like me. And this is coming from a girl who never thinks other Asian girls look like her. (Yes, I’m that self absorbed). For whatever reason I didn’t expect her to be Asian. Bitcoin man sure has a type, I’ll give him that. But this completely freaked me out. Is he trying to make me her Portland puppet/back-up/understudy? Everyone does weird things when they’re lonely & I could see this maybe being his thing. If not purposefully, definitely unconsciously. Right?
He’s in New York now. It’s been a week since we last hung out. A week since he promised me he would not see her, so that he could continue to see me. Am I crazy to believe him? Is this what people are talking about when they say love is blind? Am I f#%king blind.